Police Declare War on New York's Tie-Killer Gangs

New York City -- Police have made over 50 arrests this week during a crackdown on the street gangs which have been targeting pedestrians in and around Manhattan's financial district.

Street violence has been on the rise as New York's Latino and Caribbean gangs, once bitter enemies, have declared a truce and begun to point their weapons instead at the top one percent of U.S. wage earners.  In 2011, 36 execution-style slayings have occurred in broad daylight on Wall Street.  In each case, the victim was shot in the back of the head and his tie stolen.  

Explained NYPD chief Derrick O'Malley, "They're taking the ties as trophies.  Like scalps.  Animals."

"The gangs finally sat down with one another," said one Colombian gang member, street name "Bingo" -- "We sat down and said 'Hey.  We're killing each other's brothers over which gang a stoop in a ghetto or a project belongs to, for territory a white man wouldn't spit on.  Fighting over Respect when you live in a shithole makes no sense.  A class war makes sense.'  So we're bringing it."
 
Said another gang member, "Rolodex", "Did you know that the top 1% in America earn more than the bottom 50%?  There's no way can we out-corrupt Wall Street.  Much respect.  They're excellent thieves.  But we can encourage them to share by reminding them that we're here."

"In the past", said chief O'Malley, "these bastards would have had pitchforks and torches.  Now, they've got  M-16s and AK-47s.  Used to be, you could count on the Poor fighting with the Poor over scraps, killing and robbing each other like nature intended.  But they seem to have finally figured out how to drive into wealthy neighborhoods and how to identify rich people.  I blame the internet."



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