Saturday, October 18, 2014

Barack Obama 0053 Contracts Ebola Virus

Barrack Obama Ebola
Barack Obama 0053, Ebola victim
Barack Hussein Obama 0053, one of many clones of the current U.S. President, has contracted the Ebola virus and is currently being treated for the disease in a secret location.  Mister Obama 0053's condition has been described as critical, with the Presidential copy showing symptoms of infection such as high fever, stomach fever, blisters, diarrhea, fever, and a runny nose which might just be allergies.  Doctors say it's too early to know whether treatment will cure the latest victim in the Ebola disease outbreak which has spread like wildfire and now threatens half the United States. 

At a press briefing, United States Secretary of Health and Human Services Sylvia Mathews Burwell gave an update in her speech: "It's true, Obama 0053 has Ebola.  The latest news is that Mr. Obama apparently acquired the virus from nuzzling a house-cat which had ingested an infected rodent.  I suppose this is our opportunity to educate the public that you can catch it that way.  House-pets are extremely likely to carry the virus in their saliva and feces.  The CDC has known this fact since July and has warnings and protocols ready which we've asked them to hold off on making public until after the mid-term elections.  But I suppose the cat's out of the bag now.  Heh.

"Oh, yes, the clone thing.  Not exactly a secret in Washington circles, but something we've not been quite ready to go, you know, "Mississippi"-public with in the past.  We can't really be coy about it anymore since Fox News broke the story yesterday, so we're taking the reins.  Yes, the clone program is just as real as the domestic drone program.  Yes, Obama 0053 has been quarantined.  And yes, Obamas 0054-0057 are still in service and are carrying out their assigned duties.  Obamacare made the clone program official.  It's the law of the land, and this administration has utilized the opportunity to produce many clones and will continue to produce them aggressively.  I'll be honest.  It feels good not to need Congressional approval for something."

Section 141.B9, a little-known provision of the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, allows for "the duplication by cloning of persons indispensable to the integrity of nation's security" by executive order.  This previously used but never explicitly legally-permitted Presidential power has been used at least 57 times by President Barack Obama, and an undisclosed number of times by his predecessors, including George W. Bush and William J. Clinton. 
ebola virus
ebola virus

On January 24th, 2009, President Obama issued Executive Order 12333, allowing for unlimited clonings of his own person.  By that date, President Obama had already dodged numerous assassination attempts, and in order to insure that he would be able to serve a second and perhaps third and fourth terms in the event of a disaster, replacement Obamas were put into regular production.

Obama 0053 is not the first clone casualty of the Obama era.  Obama 0013 died as a result of an accidental self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head.  0013 had been cleaning a Sig Sauer MPX pistol, a favorite gun from the Obama family's vast arsenal of personal weapons, and was momentarily distracted when First Dog Bo Obama barked at a moth which fluttered nervously outside a window of the Oval Office.

Obama 0026 perished when he was struck by lightning while golfing.  Interestingly, 0026's only
function was to play several rounds of golf a day in order to to distract conservative-leaning reporters from real issues and to allow the original President, Obama Prime, to sleep in and recuperate from what is, in the minds of many, the second hardest job on the planet.

Obama clones 0015, 0031 and 0049 were murdered by separate attackers on separate occasions.  Each assailant managed to scale the fence at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave, bolt across the lawn, elude the Secret Service, enter the White House, locate the Presidential bed-chamber, smother the "President" with a pillow, and escape unnoticed by blending in with a tourist group.  The Secret Service has reviewed the security footage and proudly explains on their website that provisions are in place to prevent such an incident from occurring a fourth time.

Obama 0028 was murdered when Russian President Vladimir Putin, upset over a lost wager, garroted multiple copies of 0028 at a nightclub in Perm on a snowy night in December 2013.  Obama 0028 had been engaged in the illegal, unconstitutional act of sub-cloning, producing the clones 0028.1, 0028.2, 0028.3 and perhaps others, in order to pit them against Putin in life-or-death competitions: wilderness survival, escape artistry, Indian wrestling, marathon love-making, and others.  When beaten badly by 0028.3 at basketball, Putin became enraged, accusing 0028 of "running up the score," "taking unfair advantage of height disparity," and being "Kenyan".  Russian state media describes Putin as "Putin, the one man, Putin has no need for clones".  Widely-distributed photographs of a wide-eyed, snarling Putin wearing the flayed skin of Ronald Reagan 0015 have not been verified by
Obama 0055 is still on the job.  Ladies.
U.S. officials.

The various living Obama clones fill in for the President often, and have responsibilities ranging from "signing the boring ones into law" to "Biden wing-man".  Only the Inner Order of the Crown of Eagles knows at any given moment whether the United States President is actually Obama Prime or is instead one of his numerous clones.  The hardest job on the planet is "Mom".  It's the hardest job you'll ever love.

When pressed for further comment, Secretary Burwell added "So we lost another one.  It's always sad when it happens.  And it happens a lot.  But all of you out there need to understand the facts.  The future is ours.  We will never run out of Barrack Obamas."    

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