Saturday, October 18, 2014

Barack Obama 0053 Contracts Ebola Virus

Barrack Obama Ebola
Barack Obama 0053, Ebola victim
Barack Hussein Obama 0053, one of many clones of the current U.S. President, has contracted the Ebola virus and is currently being treated for the disease in a secret location.  Mister Obama 0053's condition has been described as critical, with the Presidential copy showing symptoms of infection such as high fever, stomach fever, blisters, diarrhea, fever, and a runny nose which might just be allergies.  Doctors say it's too early to know whether treatment will cure the latest victim in the Ebola disease outbreak which has spread like wildfire and now threatens half the United States. 

At a press briefing, United States Secretary of Health and Human Services Sylvia Mathews Burwell gave an update in her speech: "It's true, Obama 0053 has Ebola.  The latest news is that Mr. Obama apparently acquired the virus from nuzzling a house-cat which had ingested an infected rodent.  I suppose this is our opportunity to educate the public that you can catch it that way.  House-pets are extremely likely to carry the virus in their saliva and feces.  The CDC has known this fact since July and has warnings and protocols ready which we've asked them to hold off on making public until after the mid-term elections.  But I suppose the cat's out of the bag now.  Heh.

"Oh, yes, the clone thing.  Not exactly a secret in Washington circles, but something we've not been quite ready to go, you know, "Mississippi"-public with in the past.  We can't really be coy about it anymore since Fox News broke the story yesterday, so we're taking the reins.  Yes, the clone program is just as real as the domestic drone program.  Yes, Obama 0053 has been quarantined.  And yes, Obamas 0054-0057 are still in service and are carrying out their assigned duties.  Obamacare made the clone program official.  It's the law of the land, and this administration has utilized the opportunity to produce many clones and will continue to produce them aggressively.  I'll be honest.  It feels good not to need Congressional approval for something."

Section 141.B9, a little-known provision of the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, allows for "the duplication by cloning of persons indispensable to the integrity of nation's security" by executive order.  This previously used but never explicitly legally-permitted Presidential power has been used at least 57 times by President Barack Obama, and an undisclosed number of times by his predecessors, including George W. Bush and William J. Clinton. 
ebola virus
ebola virus

On January 24th, 2009, President Obama issued Executive Order 12333, allowing for unlimited clonings of his own person.  By that date, President Obama had already dodged numerous assassination attempts, and in order to insure that he would be able to serve a second and perhaps third and fourth terms in the event of a disaster, replacement Obamas were put into regular production.

Obama 0053 is not the first clone casualty of the Obama era.  Obama 0013 died as a result of an accidental self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head.  0013 had been cleaning a Sig Sauer MPX pistol, a favorite gun from the Obama family's vast arsenal of personal weapons, and was momentarily distracted when First Dog Bo Obama barked at a moth which fluttered nervously outside a window of the Oval Office.

Obama 0026 perished when he was struck by lightning while golfing.  Interestingly, 0026's only
function was to play several rounds of golf a day in order to to distract conservative-leaning reporters from real issues and to allow the original President, Obama Prime, to sleep in and recuperate from what is, in the minds of many, the second hardest job on the planet.

Obama clones 0015, 0031 and 0049 were murdered by separate attackers on separate occasions.  Each assailant managed to scale the fence at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave, bolt across the lawn, elude the Secret Service, enter the White House, locate the Presidential bed-chamber, smother the "President" with a pillow, and escape unnoticed by blending in with a tourist group.  The Secret Service has reviewed the security footage and proudly explains on their website that provisions are in place to prevent such an incident from occurring a fourth time.

Obama 0028 was murdered when Russian President Vladimir Putin, upset over a lost wager, garroted multiple copies of 0028 at a nightclub in Perm on a snowy night in December 2013.  Obama 0028 had been engaged in the illegal, unconstitutional act of sub-cloning, producing the clones 0028.1, 0028.2, 0028.3 and perhaps others, in order to pit them against Putin in life-or-death competitions: wilderness survival, escape artistry, Indian wrestling, marathon love-making, and others.  When beaten badly by 0028.3 at basketball, Putin became enraged, accusing 0028 of "running up the score," "taking unfair advantage of height disparity," and being "Kenyan".  Russian state media describes Putin as "Putin, the one man, Putin has no need for clones".  Widely-distributed photographs of a wide-eyed, snarling Putin wearing the flayed skin of Ronald Reagan 0015 have not been verified by
Obama 0055 is still on the job.  Ladies.
U.S. officials.

The various living Obama clones fill in for the President often, and have responsibilities ranging from "signing the boring ones into law" to "Biden wing-man".  Only the Inner Order of the Crown of Eagles knows at any given moment whether the United States President is actually Obama Prime or is instead one of his numerous clones.  The hardest job on the planet is "Mom".  It's the hardest job you'll ever love.

When pressed for further comment, Secretary Burwell added "So we lost another one.  It's always sad when it happens.  And it happens a lot.  But all of you out there need to understand the facts.  The future is ours.  We will never run out of Barrack Obamas."    

--- Morning Cup O' Doom --- Please Share on social media or link to us on your blog or website. @JPSterling

Saturday, July 2, 2011

True Stories

Morning Cup O' Doom fact-checks all its stories to make sure they are all absolutely true.  Even the ones we make up.  Recently, we've seen a lot of headlines that seem like we made them up in the shower, but which are actual true stories being reported by actual real news stations.

Only one of the following headlines is a fake news story made up by us.  See if you can tell which ones are real before clicking the links.   

Poop Burger: Synthesizing Meat from Human Feces --

Flesh-Eating Cocaine Hits New York, Los Angeles --

Buffalo Man Decapitated by Ceiling Fan --

Did you get it right?

--- Morning Cup O' Doom --- Please link to us on your blog or website.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Top 7 Ways to Make Money Working from Home on the Internet

Are you having trouble keeping up with the Joneses?  Does it seem like your neighbors are getting a new car every year, going on vacations and wearing the latest fashions, while you struggle to keep the bills paid?  You work hard to make a living.  Do your neighbors know something you don't?  Yes they do.  Everyone in your neighborhood, everyone in your town, everyone except for you is making tons of extra cash by exploiting the money-making power of the internet, racking up bonus income and living the high life -- and getting it all while working in their pajamas! 

You deserve it.

There's no reason you can't make more money.  Here are 17 proven, tried and true, battle tested methods to supplement your income and increase your wealth by using the World Wide Web.

 #1) -- Pandora is a unique music-listening experience which tailors song-lists to your musical tastes.  This internet radio station remembers your choices and serves up song after song which shares qualities with the songs you already enjoy, eliminating serendipity and ensuring homogeny.  You don't need any special training, and it's perfectly legal!  I made $74,000 last year, and even just starting out, you can make up to $1400 a week listening to Pandora in your garage or basement.  Type in "Carly Simon", for example, and Pandora may follow up with songs by Stevie Nicks, James Taylor and Carole King.  Before you know it, you've got your own radio station which only play songs that you like.  And it's not a scam or multi-level marketing.   
Men, women will want you.
 #2) Bloons Tower Defense 4 -- Bloons Tower Defense 4 is a highly addictive Flash-powered video game in the "tower defense" genre.  Tower defense games are played on a path, over which travel threats (soldiers and tanks, goblins and warriors, or in some games, viruses, penguins, or clowns) which you must destroy before they reach the end of the path by using specialized towers (shot towers, ice towers, laser towers, etc).  In Bloons 4, you are defending against an onslaught of brightly colored balloons, and your towers are monkeys with darts.  Start popping!  Don't have a college degree?  Don't let that hold you back.  You can have amazing financial success and make all your dreams come true, just like millions of others already have.  When you play Bloons Tower Defense 4, you can get out of debt and literally write your own salary.     

#3) Social Networking -- The beauty of the social network solution is that there are so many existing social networks, and any of them will do!  Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, Ning... they all have the tools you'll need to help you meet your financial goals.  First, you'll need to sign up, fill out a profile page, and upload your photographs.  Then, find your friends -- there's a good chance that many of them use these services already!  It's so easy and there are no start-up costs and no risk to you.  Once you're engaged with your chosen social network, you'll be able to share information with your friends and family more easily.  You'll be able to afford the wheelbarrow you'll need when the money comes rolling in, and you'll be able to tell everyone you know, proudly, "I finally bought the home I've always dreamed of owning!"  The more hours a day you spend lurking, stalking your ex, or playing Farmville, the sooner you'll be able to reach all of your financial goals and retire in luxury.

Ladies, there will be chocolate.
#4) Political Websites and Blogs -- There are literally thousands of political sites on the internet.  Many of these sites have articles and blogs on which you can post comments.  Have you ever stopped to think how sharing your opinion about current events, government and politics could bring you financial success beyond your wildest imaginings?  If you have a computer and access to the internet, then you can start telling the world what's wrong with the world, influencing public opinion, and swaying the outcome of national elections.  How much is that kind of power and security worth to you in terms of annual income?  $15,000 a year?  $30,000 a year?  How about $150,000 a year, your FIRST YEAR.  You can live like a rock star.  Your future is up to you because the power is in your hands.  Best of all, you don't have to have any kind of specialized training or knowledge.  All you need are some opinions!

#5) The Complete Works of William Shakespeare -- You probably haven't read this stuff since high school, and I'll bet you never guessed that just by reading Shakespeare's plays and sonnets, you'd be creating a residual income stream which will keep paying you dividends for years.  By the time you've made it halfway through The Comedy of Errors, you could be sipping Mai Tais aboard your own personal yacht, floating in the Mediterranean Sea and surrounded by Princes and international starlets.  How?  The secret is the Cash Power Word and the 7 Money Magnet Principles.  Our "Your Bright Future" information packet explains our foolproof system which has never failed, and can be found directly following the St. Crispen's Day speech in Henry V.

#7) Watch Porn for Fun and Profit -- Last, but certainly not least, home-based entrepreneurs have access to the huge pornography and sex industry on the web.  Pornography has been popular on the internet for as long as there has been an internet, but did you know that the average consumer of pornography makes $37,583 a year just by watching videos of people having sex?  Viewers who enjoy fetishes, lesbians and niches such as S&M and bondage can earn as much as $54,327 a year.  How would you like to never have to work for a cruel and insensitive employer again, and instead spend your days working from the comfort of your own home with your pants around your ankles?  If you like sucking and fucking, or if you just want to be your own boss and achieve financial independence, then porn is for you.  When it comes to beautiful naked men and women, our Mega-Riches Next Level New-Life Realization Plan practically sells itself.

And those are just 8 of the literally hundreds of ways that you can bolster your income and make your financial dreams come true using the money-making secrets of the internet.  Remember: you're the only one who's not getting rich, making your family secure, and enjoying all the wonderful thneeds and experiences that life has to offer. 

Just because you're lazy doesn't mean you're not entitled to wealth beyond your wildest dreams.

--- Morning Cup O' Doom --- Please link to us on your blog or website.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Police Declare War on New York's Tie-Killer Gangs

A gang member wearing a blue tie is arrested and handcuffed

New York City -- Police have made over 50 arrests this week during a crackdown on the street gangs which have been targeting pedestrians in and around Manhattan's financial district.

Street violence has been on the rise as New York's Latino and Caribbean gangs, once bitter enemies, have declared a truce and begun to point their weapons instead at the top one percent of U.S. wage earners.  In 2011, 36 execution-style slayings have occurred in broad daylight on Wall Street.  In each case, the victim was shot in the back of the head and his tie stolen.  

Explained NYPD chief Derrick O'Malley, "They're taking the ties as trophies.  Like scalps.  Animals."

"The gangs finally sat down with one another," said one Colombian gang member, street name "Bingo" -- "We sat down and said 'Hey.  We're killing each other's brothers over which gang a stoop in a ghetto or a project belongs to, for territory a white man wouldn't spit on.  Fighting over Respect when you live in a shithole makes no sense.  A class war makes sense.'  So we're bringing it."
Said another gang member, "Rolodex", "Did you know that the top 1% in America earn more than the bottom 50%?  There's no way can we out-corrupt Wall Street.  Much respect.  They're excellent thieves.  But we can encourage them to share by reminding them that we're here."

"In the past", said chief O'Malley, "these bastards would have had pitchforks and torches.  Now, they've got  M-16s and AK-47s.  Used to be, you could count on the Poor fighting with the Poor over scraps, killing and robbing each other like nature intended.  But they seem to have finally figured out how to drive into wealthy neighborhoods and how to identify rich people.  I blame the internet."

--- Morning Cup O' Doom --- Please link to us on your blog or website.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Zombie Grandmother Just Wants to Visit

Hi Beth.

Well.  It's good to see you. I'm sorry I didn't call ahead.  My phone doesn't seem to be working at all.  I miss my old one with the cord.  It always worked.  

I feel a little pekid.  I think I might be getting sick again.  But don't you worry about me.  Oh, I know you don't worry about me.  I see Dr. Brooking again next week.  He's such a nice man.  He gave me the free samples when I couldn't afford my pills. 

Are you just going to stand there or are you going to let your mother in?  Good.  You look a little pale, honey.  Maybe something's going around.  You should take some echinacea. 

What was with all the fire and smoke I saw on the way over here?  I think I saw three cars turned over.  And the sirens!  I told you this was a bad neighborhood.  I told you and Frank you should move to Cedar Heights instead.  But no one listens to me.  It's the immigrants, Beth.  They just aren't like us.  They don't have our morals.

I feel a little out of sorts.  Can I tell you something funny?  When I woke up from my nap, I had this hankering for human flesh.  Isn't that peculiar?  I almost quit smoking again last week.  Did you know that?  Oh, I pretend you care.  You've got more important things to worry about than your mother. 

Like your waitressing.  Couldn't marry a man with a career so you could stay home and be a real mom to your kids.  But that's okay.  You always did know everything.  You spend your weekends shaking it around a sports bar in a hootchie skirt.  Why wouldn't a mother be proud?  You might as well use your ass before it gets much bigger than it is, right?  You quit your diet, I see.  What?  I'm just saying. 

It's your life.  Do whatever you want with your weekends.  No need to worry about me up there in that cold old house, by myself with no one to talk to since your father passed.  Do what makes you happy, honey.
Where are Justin and Jennie?  I was on my way out the door when I saw the photo from Christmas and I thought "They look so skinny!  Is Beth even feeding those babies?"  You know me.  I would never meddle.  But I thought "No one starves my grandchildren."  So I had a cigarette, put aside this funny craving I've been having for sheep brains -- I think sheep brains -- broke out the lard and started baking.  I figured bringing over some cookies was the least I could do.  Because I love those kids, and unlike some people, I'm not willing to let them wither away to nothing.

It's really good to see you, Beth.  You smell... yummy.  No, no , I didn't say that.  Why did I say that?  Strange.  We really should have these visits more often.  Maybe if it weren't so hard for me to drive with my bad knee.  You could visit me of course, if you still remember where my house is, it's been so long since you came to see me. 

I want you to be happy, Beth.  I just wish I felt like you appreciated me more.  After all, no one loves you like your mother.

--- Morning Cup O' Doom ---

Monday, January 24, 2011

Unicorns are real. Here is the photographic proof.

In my youth, I heard stories of the unicorn, magical beast of legend.  My grandmother would tell me fantastical tales of innocent ladies and noble, mythical steeds, and of their idyllic lives together in enchanted golden meadows.

Like most people, when I grew up I came to understand that there are no unicorns.  Perhaps, I thought, unicorns once roamed the Earth but had become extinct.  Maybe their habitat was destroyed by the spread of mankind, or perhaps they were hunted into extinction by the great cats.  For whatever reason, no unicorns survive today.

That's what I used to believe, before my week-long hike into the deep country, where I snapped THIS photograph of a unicorn in the wild.

Unaltered photograph of a unicorn

As you can see, not only do unicorns exist, but they can be found alive today.  This is not a hoax.

I remember stepping into the clearing.  At first, I couldn't believe my eyes.  My mind told me what my eyes were seeing was impossible.  But there it was, just as described by my grandmother so long ago.  The noble, passionate animal passed by not twenty yards from where I stood.  I could clearly make out its large, powerful body, its four hooved legs, and its trademark neck-hair, or "mane".    

I was so nervous I almost forgot to snap the picture.   

I have sent this photograph to major universities and journals of science, but thus far no one has responded and no one will return my phone calls.  I prayed that any delay was due to the rigorous examination that the photograph must be given in order to verify its authenticity.  I've come to suspect, though, that science doesn't want this truth to come out.  This evidence, they must know, will shake the foundations of human culture.  Academia, in concert with the government, is conspiring to keep the truth from you.    

This is why I've chosen to go public on the internet with this unicorn photograph.  After you've overcome your initial astonishment and had a chance to collect yourself, please share this news so we can bypass the cover-up.  Unicorns aren't myth.  Unicorns are real.  And they're just like my grandmother said.

--- Morning Cup O' Doom ---

More Ancient Mysteries - Myths & Legends *

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Earwigs -- Is there a racial link?

For centuries, it's been common knowledge that the insect called the earwig enters the ear canal of a human being in order to bore into its victim's brain, create a nest, and lay its eggs.  When the eggs hatch, the earwig larva have a ready food-source.  Unfortunately, the feeding causes madness and eventual death in the victim.

A recent medical treatise described the earwig this way: "The creature called forsicula or earwig is said to make its way into the ear, and to occasion not only deafness, but violent pain by its biting; and there is an instance on record of a woman, in whose ear a nest of these infects were lodged, and reduced her to the greatest distress." — A Practical System of Surgery by James Latta, 1795.

The behavior of the earwig is clear-cut, scientifically proven and generally understood.  What we don't yet know is what makes the earwig choose one brain over another.  In the 21st century, neuro-scientists, sociologists and anthropologists all seek to understand whether the earwig is an indiscriminate invader, or whether there is a racial component to the brains it chooses to nest in.

"Absurdly horrible and theatrically grotesque, without any redeeming feature either artistic or scientific", or the seeds of Earwig Neuroscience?

Long before today's cutting edge earwig research, in the early 1900s, Robert Bennett Bean tried to show anatomical differences between the brains of white and black people.  He used his measurements to support the idea that "The Caucasian…is dominant and domineering, and possessed primarily with determination, will power, self-control, self-government…with a high development of the ethical and aesthetic values…[whereas the] Negro is primarily affectionate, immensely emotional, then sensual and under stimulation passionate. There is love of ostentation…love of music, and capacity for melodious atriculation; there is undeveloped artistic power and taste…instability of character incident to lack of self-control, especially in connection with the sexual relation."  Basically, Bean felt that whites were super-duper, and while black people could sing and dance like nobody's business, they couldn't be trusted around white women.  He used bad science to 'prove' these racist opinions.

While Bean's work has been discredited, today's scientific community is moving the once-maligned study of biological racial discrimination in new directions.  "Bean was asking the wrong questions," says Dr. Sid Binkley of Mt. Pinnacle Laboratories in Eastern Wyoming.  "Bean should have been asking 'Are these brains equally nutritious?'"  According to modern scientific studies, it turns out that the brains of different races may be unequal after all.

"A lot depends on how you divide up the races," said Binkley, "and there's a lot of debate over how to do that.  But through my research, I've come to the inescapable conclusion that brains of different peoples in different cultures simply taste different.  I think of the races of man in terms of ice cream flavors: vanilla, chocolate, lemon-raspberry swirl, Rocky Road, and American Indian.  And the earwig does too.  Our research clearly indicates that the earwig has strong flavor preferences."

According to the Laboratories' studies using cadaver brains, 63% of earwigs preferred the brains of Caucasians.  "That's statistically HUGE" said Binkley.  "Now we're trying to figure out why.  Some of us think it may be because white people are so fat.  The theory is that the earwig prefers the taste of a brain that's been soaked in fat, sugar, salt and soda for a lifetime over a 'leaner' brain, what you might call a Diet Brain."

N. Jeans Braska of The Georgia Earwig Institute lends a Southern perspective to the problem.  Citing a scientific study by the Sons of the Ivory South in 1971, Braska said "The brain of ah person of the American white race tastes like a warm buttah biscuit. An afro blacka person's brain tastes like blueberry pie.  The brain of the asiatic yella pacificah tastes like vegetable lasagna with a side of ah braised carrots.  It's not a question of the brain's size or structah, but of its aromatics, textyah, nutritional value and flavah.  I don't have a racist bone in my bahdy, but it's scientifically ahbvious fact that the brain of the white man is superiah -- if ya ahsk ya common buttah-biscuit-loving earwig."  

Other studies have found no differences in the earwig's nesting habits when it comes to race.  "There are no 'races'.  There's a human race.  Just one," said Oliver Tractwell of Independence University of Switzerland.  "Skin color doesn't matter.  Grey matter matters.  All the earwig cares about is whether you've got some juicy tissue between your ears to lay eggs in, not whether you have no rhythm or are good at math, not whether your skin is closer in hue to the inside or outside of an Oreo.  Earwigs don't see color."  

World of Warcraft defines the races as Blood Elf, Draenei, Dwarf, Gnome, Goblin, Human, Night Elf, Orc, Tauren, Troll, Undead, and Worgen.

While the research is still ongoing, some scientists are suggesting that just in case, Caucasians should wear earplugs to bed, change their sheets and pillow-cushions regularly, and release earwig-eating spiders into their bedrooms.  Said Sid Binkley, "In this world, if only when it comes to the earwig, it doesn't pay to be white."

--- Morning Cup O' Doom ---