Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Zombie Grandmother Just Wants to Visit

Hi Beth.

Well.  It's good to see you. I'm sorry I didn't call ahead.  My phone doesn't seem to be working at all.  I miss my old one with the cord.  It always worked.  

I feel a little pekid.  I think I might be getting sick again.  But don't you worry about me.  Oh, I know you don't worry about me.  I see Dr. Brooking again next week.  He's such a nice man.  He gave me the free samples when I couldn't afford my pills. 

Are you just going to stand there or are you going to let your mother in?  Good.  You look a little pale, honey.  Maybe something's going around.  You should take some echinacea. 

What was with all the fire and smoke I saw on the way over here?  I think I saw three cars turned over.  And the sirens!  I told you this was a bad neighborhood.  I told you and Frank you should move to Cedar Heights instead.  But no one listens to me.  It's the immigrants, Beth.  They just aren't like us.  They don't have our morals.

I feel a little out of sorts.  Can I tell you something funny?  When I woke up from my nap, I had this hankering for human flesh.  Isn't that peculiar?  I almost quit smoking again last week.  Did you know that?  Oh, I pretend you care.  You've got more important things to worry about than your mother. 

Like your waitressing.  Couldn't marry a man with a career so you could stay home and be a real mom to your kids.  But that's okay.  You always did know everything.  You spend your weekends shaking it around a sports bar in a hootchie skirt.  Why wouldn't a mother be proud?  You might as well use your ass before it gets much bigger than it is, right?  You quit your diet, I see.  What?  I'm just saying. 

It's your life.  Do whatever you want with your weekends.  No need to worry about me up there in that cold old house, by myself with no one to talk to since your father passed.  Do what makes you happy, honey.
Where are Justin and Jennie?  I was on my way out the door when I saw the photo from Christmas and I thought "They look so skinny!  Is Beth even feeding those babies?"  You know me.  I would never meddle.  But I thought "No one starves my grandchildren."  So I had a cigarette, put aside this funny craving I've been having for sheep brains -- I think sheep brains -- broke out the lard and started baking.  I figured bringing over some cookies was the least I could do.  Because I love those kids, and unlike some people, I'm not willing to let them wither away to nothing.

It's really good to see you, Beth.  You smell... yummy.  No, no , I didn't say that.  Why did I say that?  Strange.  We really should have these visits more often.  Maybe if it weren't so hard for me to drive with my bad knee.  You could visit me of course, if you still remember where my house is, it's been so long since you came to see me. 

I want you to be happy, Beth.  I just wish I felt like you appreciated me more.  After all, no one loves you like your mother.

--- Morning Cup O' Doom ---


  1. Haha! JP, I love this! I'm a regular visitor of my 2 daughters in their apartment- just to check them out, so I don't have to call ahead to see the real situation. This sounds funny but true. I think I have become a Zombie Mother, too.

    You're a good writer, I'll visit again!

  2. What a riot! you're good, very good.

  3. Ohhhh Brother! At this point I'm not sure if you're a man or a woman, and I don't give a rip either. No matter who or what you are, I THINK I LOVE YOU! What a complete and utter freak....
    If you did the artwork for this post, I may be compelled to stalk you as well.

    There's an old blues song that says, "Don't nobody love me like my MaMa, and she could be Jivein Too" One of my personal mantras...your blog hits me where I live. LOVE IT. Keri

  4. Ha! Zombie saying "They don't have our morals." Love it!

  5. If I didn't know my own mother was deceased, I would have sworn she was dictating this blog. Funny memories you conjured! ;-)

  6. I enjoyed your post. It’s a lot like college – we should absorb everything we can but ultimately you need to take what you’ve learned and apply it.
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  7. Just drive by blogging today, and my wheels stopped here. Great site!
    Jeremy [iZombie]

  8. I love this blog. and great post

  9. Great, great post! It’s something I have never thought about, really, but it makes a whole lot of sense. Thanks for sharing
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